


Me When I Was Young

by IvanW



Series: The Professor-Cadet [11]
Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Altering the Past, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Character Death, Choosing Love, Gay, Grief, Insecurity, Letters, M/M, Older Kirk Gives Advice to Younger Kirk, Pon Farr, Saving Spock, Second Chances, Self-Harm, Starfleet Academy, T'hy'la, Tough choices, Tragic Romance, changing the future, past and future, prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-15
Updated: 2017-03-31
Packaged: 2018-07-15 07:42:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 18,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7213705
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock dies as a result of Pon Farr when he chooses to leave the Enterprise for New Vulcan instead of telling Jim. Jim learns afterward they were t'hy'la and if they had been together, he could have prevented Spock's Death. He is visited by a "Q" who advises him that he was as disappointed in the result of their story as Jim was. He offers Jim a Second Chance to form a relationship with Spock. Jim can send his young self 12 letters to try and save Spock and their relationship. </p><p>This was a prompt from reader, Kukia. I promised her I would attempt it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. What'll I do When You are Far Away?

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into 中文 available: [嗨，年轻的我](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8001886) by [eggroll999](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggroll999/pseuds/eggroll999)



He wasn’t even sure why he was writing the letter.

None of it would probably matter anyway. No matter what the stranger told him.

Q he’d called himself. Whatever that meant and whatever he was.

Jim had never lived a charmed life.  His dad had been killed on the very day he was born and it went downhill from there. Oh there were good things. On occasion.

His friends. They’d been important.

Bones.

Chekov.

Sulu.

Uhura.

Scotty.

Even Keenser if it came to that.

And Spock.

Only Spock wasn’t. Not anymore. He wasn’t anyone’s friend. Or anything ever again.

Which was why Jim was writing this letter. A God damn handwritten letter no less.

To himself. And the Jim he was then? He would probably not listen. Just the like Spock from then probably wouldn’t either.

T’hy’la.

He’d only recently learned what it meant. But…it had been too late. Too late for him. Too late for Spock. For them.

Spock had died in his arms.

Jim was lost.

The chime on his door rang and for a moment Jim decided he would ignore it. Then he remembered. He couldn’t afford to ignore friends.

“Come.”

Somehow he had expected it to be Nyota. He didn’t know why. But there she was. She had changed out of her uniform. She wore pajama shorts and a top that had seen better days. She carried a bottle of what looked like red wine in one hand and two glasses in the other.

“I hope that stuff is strong,” Jim said as she walked over to his desk to set down the glasses. She poured deep, dark red wine in both.

“Oh, it’s strong. Made by my own family in Africa.”

Jim took the glass she offered him. “Will it make me numb?”

“No,” she said softly. “I’ve tried.”

“Pull up a seat, Lieu—Nyota. Sorry, I forgot.”

She gave him a gentle smile, pulling up a chair. “I even forget sometimes.” Her gaze went to the paper and pen on his desk. “Are you going to do it?”

“Think I should?”

“If it means changing the outcome? Absolutely. If we can have Spock alive again…hell, I’d do anything. I loved him.” She took a sip of her wine.

“I know you did.”

“My romantic love for Spock was over but there is so much more to love than that, isn’t there?” Her mouth twisted. “You loved him. Not just as a potential partner but as your friend. Your family.”

Jim nodded, unable to get the words out.

“But if writing those letters will destroy you? Then I say no, don’t do it.”

“I’m already destroyed, Ny. I don’t think I’m capable of hurting more than I do now.” Jim took a large swallow of wine. “Nothing has ever hurt this much.”

“Then do it.” Her eyes were shining with unshed tears. “Write the letters.”

“What if it doesn’t matter?”

“Then nothing will change. And the outcome remains the same.”

“But it could change. Writing all these letters could change more than just this. Q said so himself. It could change the past completely until—” Jim licked his lips. “What if it saves Spock but causes someone else’s death?”

“I don’t have all the answers, Jim. Only this Q does. And yes, he’d playing with your life. Spock’s life. Everyone’s lives. But Spock was your t’hy’la and he never told you until it was too late.”

Jim closed his eyes. Pon Farr. He cursed the very words. The very concept. It robbed him of Spock. He hadn’t known. And there had been so many others.

“If I have Spock…I’ll lose my son,” Jim whispered. “It will be as if he never existed. Can I do that?”

“I wish I could be so unselfish as to tell you not to write them. To just keep going as you are. As we are. What’s done is done. Spock is dead and we all must move on.” Nyota bowed her head, her hair streaming in front of her, her wine glass raised to almost her lips. “But I want him back as much as you. I want my ndugu.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and picked up the pen. His chest felt like it was on fire.

****

“Hey!”

“You got a reason to be yelling, kid?”

“Name’s Jim, remember?’ Jim Kirk slung his bag onto his new bunk. Damn it was tiny. He wasn’t convinced his legs wouldn’t dangle down off the edge. And how was he supposed to get it on with anyone in such a tiny bed. He picked up the plain white envelop that simply read _Jim._ ”You leave this for me?”

His roomie, Leonard McCoy, or so he’d learned on the transport there, scrunched up his face. “I got here same time as you.”

“Oh. Right.”

“Family member?”

Jim snorted at that. “Hardly. I have no family. None to speak of or speak to anyway. What do you say we get out of here and go get a drink?”

“We just got here.”

Jim grinned. “I know. And it’s already boring! Let’s get some action.”

Leonard McCoy rolled his eyes. “All right. But I’ve got a few rules.”

Jim pulled on his leather jacket. “Yeah? Like what?”

“No messes! I’m a doctor not a housekeeper.”

Jim laughed. “I’m neat. Ish. Neatish.”

Leonard eyed the envelope. “Aren’t you going to read that?”

He scooped it up. “I’ll read it over a drink. Something tells me I’ll need it.” He slapped Leonard on the shoulder. “Come on…Bones.”

Fortunately the bar was only a block and a half from their new dorm room. They’d managed to get the same room when they’d arrived by simply requesting it. But that still made Jim wonder how someone knew to leave him an envelope.

“What’ll it be, cutie?” The very buxom barmaid asked.

“Hefeweizen.”

“You?” She winked at Bones.

“Bourbon neat.”

Jim looked around. “This place could be cool.” He slipped the envelope out of his pocket. Inside was a letter. _Handwritten_.

Weird. And, um, the writing was kind of familiar.

_Jim_

_If you’re reading this then Pike convinced you to enlist in Starfleet. Must be your first day. I can’t and won’t tell you who I am or how I know anything about you. But suffice it to say, I do. Listen, I know this is going to sound weird and you have no reason to trust me, but there’s this professor at the academy. He’s named Spock and he’s Vulcan. You need to meet him. ASAP. Take his class. Go to his office. Whatever. But make it happen and fast. Use that Kirk charm on him and make him your friend. Right away. Trust me. Well. If you can. And don’t tell anyone about the contents of this letter. Um. I don’t think you’re supposed to. There are rules, I guess._

_Me? You can just think of me as CK._

Jim read the letter twice more and it was just as fucking weird the second and third times. He frowned, folded it, and stuck it back in the envelope, shoving it pack into the inside pocket of his leather coat.

“Well?” Bones prompted. “What’s it say?”

“Oh.” Jim shrugged. “Just an advertisement for a place where you can get your cadet uniforms cleaned.”

“Useful anyway,” Bones replied.

The barmaid returned with their drinks.

“Say, Bones?”

“Hmm?”

“You heard of a Professor Spock?”

Bones picked up his bourbon, raising his brows. “Should I have?”

“I guess he’s Vulcan and teaches at the Academy.”

“Never heard of him. But if he’s Vulcan? No doubt he’s a pain in the ass.”

Jim smiled. “Probably.” He picked up his beer and clanked Bones’ glass. “To beating the Kobayashi Maru in one try!”

Bones chuckled. “You wish. Cheers!”

   


	2. And I Am Blue, What’ll I Do

“Jim?”

Jim wiped his hand over his eyes, rubbing the moisture there. “Yeah?”

“You’re really going to do it?”

Jim’s gaze to meet Bone’s. “I have to, Bones. I’ve got to try. I already wrote the first one.”

Bones looked at the letter in front of Jim. “Is this the second one then?”

“No. The first.” Jim bit his lip. “I decided to edit it.”

“What do you mean?” Bones asked with a frown.

“David,” Jim whispered.

Bones grabbed the letter. “Wait. Are you trying to get young you to sleep with young Carol? Jim, that isn’t the way it happened.”

Jim leaned back. “I _know_ , Bones. And it might not even work. But David…if I change the past, if Spock and I become what I hope we will, as it stands I’ll never have been with Carol at the time we were, which means—”

“No David.”

Jim nodded, licked his lips, took the letter out of Bones’ hand. “Yeah. God, Bones, am I so selfish as to change the very existence of my own kid?”

“Jim, even if this works, it wouldn’t be the same David. He’d be older, probably changed—”

He buried his face in his hands. “But for Spock…I’d do anything. Sell my own soul.”

“That’s almost what you’re doing.”

Jim looked up quickly at the man—being—who suddenly appeared in his quarters. He was dressed in brown and oranges robes with an elaborate headdress.

“Q!”

“I don’t remember telling you that edits to your letters were allowed,” Q said crossly.

“You didn’t say they weren’t either,” Jim pointed out.

Q opened his mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. “Well, they are not, Captain Kirk. No edits.”

“Going forward, all right. But for this letter, since there was no agreement, the edit stands.”

“Very well, Captain. But do not think to play games with your other eleven letters. I am being really quite generous with you. Don’t make me regret it.”

Q disappeared again.

Jim sighed and returned to the letter, but it went with Q.

****

Jim pulled his letter out of his coat pocket the minute Bones had gone into the bathroom when they’d returned to their dorm. He blinked rapidly. At the bottom of the letter there was a PS that had not been there before.

_You still need to meet Spock ASAP but I have another task for you that you need to do before you meet Spock. And it is important you do this before Spock. BS if you will._

Jim rolled his eyes.

_There’s a young blonde woman with a science interest, a science officer major, weapons and the like, or maybe ideas of creating life like God or whatever, but her name is Carol Marcus. She should be at the academy around the same time as you. And while maybe you wouldn’t have crossed paths at this point before, you need to now. Seek her out and…um…have a one-night stand or whatever. That’s all it took before. I know this sounds nuts and it is, but, trust me, Jim. There are reasons I’m telling you all this. And they are important._

_But again, you can’t seek her out after Spock. So BS only._

“BS is right,” Jim said pursing his lips and blowing a raspberry.

“Bullshit? What’s bullshit?” Bones asked as he came out of the bathroom.

Jim wrinkled his nose. “God, did you have to smell it up in there?”

Bones shrugged. “When you gotta go.”

Jim shoved the letter away.

“You still looking at that advertisement?” Bones asked.

“Uh, not anymore. It’s bullshit. I’m going to bed.”

****

Jim exhaled very carefully as he approached the blonde woman at the bar. She was quite pretty. He sat next to her on the stool beside. He smiled engagingly at her. “James Kirk. We agreed to meet?”

“Carol Marcus. It’s lovely to meet you.”

Jim took her hand in his, staring into her eyes. “So, tell me about your projects.”

****

“You smell like sex.” His roommate complained from his seat at the desk.

Jim patted Bones’ arm as he came into their dorm. “Good reason for that.”

“Don’t want to hear it.”

“And I don’t want to tell you about it either.” Jim reached past Bones to the pink box on the desk. He pulled out a donut.

“Who was she?”

Jim shook his head. “Science geek.”

“You go for a science geek? That’s surprising.”

“Well, I’m not gonna marry her or anything, Bones.” Jim went to the coffeepot and poured himself a mug full. He went to the jacket hanging on a peg. He searched the pockets. But there was nothing. “Bones?”

“Hmm?”

“Did you take my letter?”

Bones looked up from his PADD. “What letter?”

“You know the advertisement for cleaning uniforms.”

Bones shrugged. “Haven’t touched it.”

Jim frowned. “It’s gone.”

“Sorry, kid. Don’t know what happened.”

Jim took his coffee and donut to the dining table and sat down with his own PADD. He began to search for information about Professor Spock. Interests: Chess.

Bingo!

Then he found a chat room for Academy Chess Players to actually play computer chess. The chances that he’d find Spock there were probably pretty small, but hell, he’d found Carol Marcus really easily. Almost as if he was being helped by some higher being.

Wow! Bingo times two! He created an identity for the room.

_Professor Spock?_

_Who are you?_ Came almost immediately.

Jim grinned and typed, _IllogicalJK_

_What is your purpose in contacting me, IllogicalJK? I am not in here to talk about girls, cars, tests, cheating—_

_Wanna play chess?_

_You mean, Do You Want to Play Chess?_

Jim’s grin widened _. Asked you first. Want to or not?_

_Very well, IllogicalJK. It is your move._

“Score!” Jim cackled.

“Could you keep it down?” Bones asked. “Some of us are studying.”

“Sorry, Bones.” But he wasn’t sorry at all.    


	3. When I’m Alone with Only Dreams of You

_Checkmate_.

When there was no immediate response, Jim couldn’t help but grin as he reached for his iced tea.

He’d been playing chess with Professor Spock for three weeks now and Jim had to admit he weirdly looked forward to their games. They’d taken to having actual conversations during pauses in the game and Jim had to admit he found them stimulating.

He’d started to feel like maybe he’d imagined the letter he’d received telling him to meet Spock. Though he’d searched his dorm room and even all his clothes several times after the letter disappeared, he’d never been able to find it. And he believed Bones when he said he hadn’t thrown it away.

_It appears you are correct, IllogicalJK._

Jim’s grin widened.

_Were you actually trying to see if there was a way I was wrong?_

_Yes._

_I wasn’t. And I didn’t cheat either, Professor._

_I did not accuse you of such. I admit to finding your method of play to be continually…perplexing._

_Keeps you on your toes._

_On my toes?_

_Never mind. Another game?_

Jim was glad Spock couldn’t see how anxious he was. Because really? Jim spent far too many nights in playing chess with Spock when he probably should be out having fun or something.

_That is acceptable._

The truth was, Jim had looked up Professor Spock on the staff database for the Academy and he was seriously smokin’ hot.  Though it was crazy, Jim had sort of a crush on Spock. He’d never even met the Vulcan but between their conversations and Jim’s imagination, well…yeah, it was stupid.

_It is your move._

_Right, hang on. I need to refill my iced tea._

_Very well._

Jim got up and went to the small fridge and poured tea from the pitcher he’d taken out. He returned to his seat. Made his move.

_Have you ever been to the teashop on Lincoln Avenue?_

Jim blinked at the question for a moment. Then shaking his head at himself, he typed back.

_No. I know of it. I’ve passed by it a few times._

_The tea there is quite interesting. There are many unusual flavors and blends._

_Yeah? I guess I’ll have to try it someday._

Spock made his move and Jim concentrated on what move to make next himself.

_Perhaps you would like to meet there one day to have tea._

_With you?_

_If you would prefer not to, I will not be offended._

Spock was asking him out. OMG, Jim thought. Never did he think that maybe Spock had a crush on him too. Had Spock actually figured out who IllogicalJK was?

Maybe Spock even knew what Jim looked like and found him—

But wait. He was getting ahead of himself and Spock probably thought he was freaking out or something.

_Sure. I’d like that a lot. When?_

_Tomorrow night at eight, perhaps?_

Jim smiled.

_Great. I’ll be there._

He moved his next chess piece.

Jim lost that game and then they quit for the night but he didn’t even care.

****

“Can’t say I’m sorry to see you get out for a change,” Bones muttered as Jim stood primping in front of the mirror. “You’ve been cooped up in the dorm every night like some lonely heart.”

“I’m not lonely, Bones. Just playing chess.”

“Well. But how long has it been since you…well, you know.”

“Are you asking me how long it’s been since I got laid?’ Jim laughed.

Bones grimaced. “Um, no. Forget it. Anyway, who’s this date with?”

“No one you know.” Jim turned to look at his ass. “Do I look okay?”

“You’re gorgeous as usual,” Bones assured him.

“Are these pants too tight?”

“Of course. But isn’t that what you want?”

He laughed again. Then bit his lip. “Should I wear cologne or something?”

“Nah, you’re fine. You smell good and clean.”

“Okay.”

“Listen, you be careful,” Bones said gruffly. “And if you aren’t coming home, text me so I won’t worry.”

“Bones, I’m coming home. There’s no way we’re going to have sex on the first date. Trust me. He’s not the type.”

“So it’s a guy huh?”

Jim eyed him somewhat warily. “Is that an issue?”

Bones snorted. “Not for me. Just curious. I had a feeling you might swing both ways.”

“I actually consider myself more…pansexual,” Jim confided.

“You love everybody then?” Bones asked with a grin.

“Pretty much.” Jim clapped him on the back. “Anyway, wish me luck.”

“You’re pretty excited about this guy, huh?”

Jim blushed. “Um. I guess. Yeah. Maybe.”

Bones squeezed his arm. “Have fun then, Jim.”

Jim grabbed his leather jacket and headed out. It wasn’t that far to walk to the tea place.

Anticipation filled him as he reached the door, which was made of glass. He peered through it to see if Spock had arrived. And then he wished he hadn’t.

Spock was there all right. But he was not alone. Seated with him at a table for four was a pretty black girl that Jim recalled was named Uhura. He remembered her from Riverside. She’d been in the bar when her fellow cadets decided she needed protection from him.

Jim’s gaze zeroed in on their hands. Their fingers were stroking. And he knew exactly what that meant even before she leaned over to kiss him softly on the mouth.

He backed away from the door of the teashop.

What in the hell was the matter with him? Of course Spock hadn’t wanted a date. With Jim? It was laughable.

And he was the biggest fucking idiot in the world as usual.

Blindly, he walked away from the teashop but not back toward his dorm, but in the opposite direction.

God, he was stupid. So stupid.

_“You worthless piece of shit!”_

_“No wonder your mother can’t stand the sight of you!”_

_“No one likes you, Jim.”_

_“You’ll never amount to anything. You should have starved with the rest of them!”_

Jim stopped walking and slammed his head against the nearest wall.    

“Fuck.”

He dropped to his knees, clenching his fists.

“Hey, buddy, you okay?” A guy passing by asked.

Jim’s head was swimming but at least the pain took his mind off what an absolute fool he was.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine.”

****

“Jim?” Bones looked up from his PADD. “Back already?”

Jim nodded. “Sure am.”

“What happened to your head?” Bones was up in an instant, his fingers instantly going to the gash in Jim’s head.

“I ran into a wall. It’s nothing.”

“Your date didn’t do this, did he? Because I swear—”

“Date? Nah. He didn’t show.”

“He stood _you_ up?” Bones asked, incredulously.

“Yeah, just forget it.”

“Let me take care of that wound. Hang on.” Bones went to find his medical kit and Jim saw he had a flashing message on his PADD.

He went to it.

_Were we not supposed to meet?_

Jim ignored it and turned it face down on his bed.

Chess was stupid anyway.


	4. That Won’t Come True, What'll I Do

“Well, that was a disaster wasn’t it?”

Jim couldn’t even look at the man—creature—megalomaniac—whatever Q was sitting on the edge of the desk in Jim’s quarters.

“You’re supposed to be changing things. Is that the best you can do, Kirk?”

“I’m trying,” Jim insisted.

“Not very hard. Perhaps it’s time you wrote your second letter.”

“Leave him alone,” Nyota said from just inside his doorway. “He can’t think with you hovering, taunting him.”

“It’s easy for you to say, Nyota Uhura,” Q said. “You’re the reason Spock is dead.”

Nyota gasped as Q disappeared.

Jim closed his eyes, shook his head, and then looked at her. “It’s not true, Ny. Don’t listen to him.”

“If Spock and I hadn’t kept trying for so long—”

“There was a reason Spock didn’t tell me,” Jim said softly.

Nyota came to stand next to him. She looked down at him with wet eyes. “Jim, no.”

“He didn’t want me. Not that way. He never did. And no matter how many letters I write, he’s not going to suddenly want me.”

She knelt beside him. “That’s not true.”

“Don’t worry. I’m still going to try to save him. Even if we’re not together after—it’s okay. He’ll be alive again.”

He picked up his pen and twirled it. He had no idea what to write next.

****

“So how come you aren’t playing chess anymore?” Bones asked Jim as they sat in a coffee shop having coffee and these little mini cinnamon rolls with cream cheese frosting.

Jim popped one of the delicious little gems into his mouth and chewed. He shrugged. “I remember why I stopped playing.”

“Why’s that?” Bones asked, grabbing one of the little rolls.

“It’s only for dorks.” Jim rolled his eyes. “I mean think about my name on there. IllogicalJK.”

Bones frowned. “Where’d you come up with that?”

“It’s a boring story and—”

“You are IllogicalJK.”

Jim dropped the cinnamon roll he was about to stick in his mouth. He stared at the Vulcan Professor standing by his table. He knew from his research into Spock that this was him. Plus seeing him at a distance in the tea shop when they were supposed to meet. But fuck him, Spock was even hotter up close in person. He was staring. Just staring. Fuck.

“I require an answer,” Spock said.

Jim gave him a sheepish smile. “Bones, can you give us a minute?”

Bones arched his brows but he pushed back in his chair. “Yeah, we’re in need of refills anyway.”

Jim watched Bones leave before turning his attention back to Spock.

“I am waiting. Are you IllogicalJK?”

“Yes. Jim Kirk.”

“You did not show up to our arranged meeting, Cadet Kirk.”

“Well.”

“And have ignored all attempts I have made to engage in dialogue with you since.”

“Something came up.” Jim knew it was lame. He didn’t know what else to say. ‘You were with your girlfriend and I thought it was a date’ seemed completely and utterly pathetic. “I had a surprise test.”

“At night?”

“A night course?”

"That is highly unusual."

“Yes, a make-up class.”

Spock angled his head in such a way it looked like he was wondering if Jim was a Klingon or something. “You could have advised me of it.”

“Yeah. I totally should have. Sorry about that.” Jim flashed him a smile.

“Why did you not explain when I sent messages through the chess group.”

“Embarrassed?” And hell, that was certainly the truth. “You’re welcome to join me now if you’d like. I think they serve a couple of teas.”

“They do. Very well,” Spock said to Jim’s surprise. “I will be right back.”

Just as he walked away, Bones returned with their refilled cups.

“What the hell was that about?”

“Spock was the guy I was playing chess with.”

“You had a date with _Professor Spock_?”

“No,” Jim said, shushing Bones. “I-that was a mistake, Bones. A misunderstanding. I thought it was a date but it wasn’t.”

Bones stared at him. “You thought you had a date with him?”

Jim knew he was blushing. He covered it by picking up another cinnamon roll. “It was stupid. He’s got a girlfriend.”

“Jim—”

“Just drop it, okay?”

Spock returned with a cup of tea and sat down across from Jim. “I suppose I should formally introduce myself. I am Spock. A Professor at Starfleet Academy.”

“This is Bones. I mean, Leonard McCoy.”

“Dr. Leonard McCoy,” Bones said flatly.

“It is a pleasure to meet you, doctor.”

“I’m sure. Look, Jim, I’m gonna head back to the dorm so if—”

“What? I can come with you.”

“Stay and get acquainted with your chess buddy. I’ll see you in a few.”

Jim nodded and waved awkwardly at Bones. He forced a smile at Spock. “Want one of these?” He held up the cinnamon roll. “They’re good.”

Spock picked one up and took a tentative bite.

Jim laughed. “Just pop the whole thing in at once.”

Up went his eyebrow which just made Jim laugh more. Spock popped the rest of the roll into his mouth.

“They’re good though, huh?”

“The taste is pleasing.” Spock sipped his tea. “Cadet?”

“It’s just Jim. Or you can call me IllogicalJK. Or JK. Kirk. Whatever. Just not ‘cadet’.”

“Jim. What was the real reason you did not meet me the other night?”

Jim picked up his coffee. “Real reason?”

“I sense…deception.”

“Sense? You mean you’re a telepath. Is that what you call it? Sensing?”

“I am merely curious as to your reason for lying.”

Jim sighed. “It’s to save myself.”

“Save yourself?” Spock shook his head. “I mean you no harm.”

“Not that kind of saving. Look, the truth is, I thought there was…more to our meeting than you did. That’s all. And when I realized it, I left.”

“So you did arrive?”

“Uh-huh.”

“I do not understand.”

Jim huffed and then finished his coffee. “I thought it was a date, all right? And then I saw you there with your girlfriend. I mean she must have been because you were Vulcan kissing and then human kissing. And when I realized I got it all wrong I left. Because I was embarrassed at how stupid I was. Happy?”

“No, I am not.”

“That makes two of us.” Jim grabbed the remaining mini-cinnamon rolls and wrapped them in a napkin, then stood. “See you around, Professor.”

He exited the coffee shop even though he was pretty sure he heard Spock calling after him. He walked a brisk pace back toward the campus and as he got closer, he shoved his hands in his pockets to ward off the slight chill. His fingers closed around a folded piece of paper.

Jim stopped in his tracks. He pulled out the paper and unfolded.

_Hi Jim_

_Listen, I know that sucked. Believe me, I really know how you feel. It-It hurts to like someone who doesn’t like you back. All I can say is…you have to keep trying with Spock. Even if all you have is a friendship with Spock at this point. Maybe it’ll matter later. Don’t give up. Spock’s going to be really important to you someday. And you don’t want to miss any opportunities. You’ll regret it if you do. So, I don’t know, play some more chess, maybe even in person games. Not just where you can hide behind a persona. And I know that’s what you’re doing. Hiding. I’ve done it too, Jim. But you can’t afford to hide with Spock. Show him who you are. Who you **really** are. It matters, Jim. I swear it does. Don’t give up hope. Like I have._

_CK_       


	5. What'll I Do With Just a Photograph to Tell My Troubles to?

“Have you written the next note yet?”

Jim looked up the holo picture of Spock he had on his terminal at his best friend. Sometimes he felt like Bones was his only friend. It wasn’t far to think like that though. He knew that. 

He was sitting in the dark with only the light of his terminal to illuminate the area around him. Next to him was a cup of coffee that had gone cold long ago.

It was a testament to Bones’ ever increasing sensitivity that he had not raised the lights in Jim’s quarters. There was a time when Bones would have done that, sensitivity be damned. But that was a lifetime ago. Bones was different. Jim sure was.

“No,” he admitted.

Bones sat on the edge of the desk closest to Jim. “When was the last time you ate something?”

“Stardate 23 81.4,” Jim joked.

“Uh-huh. You’re hilarious.” He tossed a protein bar at Jim. “Eat that at least.”

“Did you just conjure this up?”

“Why?”

“Because I didn’t see you carrying anything a moment ago.”

“Not that, genius.” Bones leaned closer, peering at Spock’s picture on the screen. It was actually from a time when they’d all gone on shore leave together. A rare occurrence since Spock generally did not agree to leisure time. It was his favorite picture of Spock. “Why haven’t you written the third letter?”

“Maybe because I’m back to wondering what’s the point.”

“You know what the point is. Spock still alive.”

Jim sighed and leaned back heavily in his chair. He broke off a hunk of the protein bar. “But he chose death, Bones. Basically he committed suicide, didn’t he? What right do I have to change that?”

“What right do any of us have to do anything? You love him. We all love him. And we want him back.”

“At what cost?”

“For you? I would have thought any cost.”

He popped the piece of protein bar into his mouth. “I’m not just fighting against Spock. I’m fighting against me.”

“I know,” Bones replied softly. “And that’s the hardest part, isn’t it?”

****

“May I sit here?”

Jim looked up from his PADD at the quiet, cultured deep tone of Professor Spock. For a moment Jim only stared. And then when that got him nowhere, he glanced around the cafeteria. First to see if there was anyway Spock was talking to someone other than him, and then to see if the seat across from him at the table for two happened to be the only one left in the cafeteria. It was not.

A deliberate choice then.

“Sure.”

Spock pulled out the chair and gracefully sat down. Jim imagined he did everything that way. Probably had never tripped over his own two feet or ran his head into the bulkhead.

Jim was tempted to say, “Wassup?” because he knew it would likely annoy the Vulcan and he thought maybe he should speak up first. But he didn’t. Spock had chosen to approach _him_. He could tell Jim what the point was.

“Cadet, I am a plain speaker who does not typically mince words.”

Jim almost laughed at that. Because really? That was hardly a revelation. “All right. What’s on your mind?”

“I would like to apologize for any misunderstanding between us that may have been due to anything I have done or said.”

Jim shrugged. “Nah, it wasn’t you.”

Spock inclined his head. “I did not believe there was, however, I thought I would offer the apology nonetheless.”

Jim forced a smile and tapped his fingers against the table. “Why are you here, Professor?”

“Prior to your misunderstanding, I believed we had cultivated something of a beneficial interaction.”

 _His_ misunderstanding. Well, all right then.  Spock sure was emphasizing that.

“I’m gathering by that convoluted sentence that you believed we were becoming friends.”

Spock stiffened slightly. If Jim hadn’t been staring really hard at him just then he might have even missed it. “Affirmative.”

“So I’m guessing you’d like to continue cultivating our beneficial interaction?”

“You are mocking me.”

Jim laughed and held up his hands in surrender. “No, no. Not at all. Okay. Maybe slightly. But not in a bad way.”

Spock eyed him coolly. “Is there a good way to mock someone, cadet?”

“Oh there is. It’s called teasing. And you usually only do it when you like someone. But if we are going to be friends, Spock, you ought to drop the ‘cadet’. I told you before not to call me that. It makes you sound super stuffy. And anyway I’m not actually in any of your classes. Thank God.”

Spock stared at him. “I believe you have managed to insult me multiple times just now.”

“Teasing, Spock. You’ll get the difference eventually. I take it your girlfriend never teases you.”

“No.”

Jim smiled. “I can see we would never have suited that way then.” Jim switched off his PADD. “I have a class in like five minutes. Why don’t you plan to come by my dorm room say around five? And bring a chess set cause I don’t have one.”

Spock opened his mouth, closed it, and the shook his head.

Jim raised both eyebrows at him.

“Very well.”

Jim winked and he didn’t even know why, but as he walked away he noticed Spock’s cheeks were faintly green.

****

“What is your relationship with the doctor?’ was practically the first words out of Spock’s mouth that night when he arrived. Bones hadn’t come in yet. And as Jim let Spock inside he had to admit he spent a good moment just starting at Spock.

“My relationship?”

“You appeared fairly close at the coffee shop and you share a dorm.”

“Sure do.” Jim decided the best thing to do was to not reply to Spock’s nosey question. Spock had a girlfriend and anyway since Jim thought he was going on a date with Spock, he should be able to _logically_ figure it out. “Tea, right? I’ve got like a little electric teakettle and some rose tea, if you don’t mind it.”

“That will be acceptable.” Spock held a bag with a chess set in it. “You drink rose tea?”

Jim laughed. “Hell no. This girl gave it to me a while back. She got it in a basket from her boyfriend and didn’t want it.”

Spock arched a brow. “If you do not drink it, why did you accept it?”

“Never turn down anything free. That’s my motto, Spock.”

“Fascinating.”

“Oh, you have no idea.” Jim went into the little kitchenette. He bent at the waist to go into the little drawer where he kept the rose tea. When he straightened, tea bags in hand, he noticed Spock’s cheeks were lightly green again. “Are you all right? You look a little flushed.”

“The temperature in this room is a little off for me,” Spock replied.

“Oh.” Jim nodded. “Mind if I have a beer?”

“Negative.”

Jim reached into the small fridge they had and withdrew a beer.  Then he went into a cabinet and pulled out a bag. “I should probably tell you that I have this huge thing for snacking. The thing is…I’m always hungry.” He shook the bag he held. “Cheese snacks. They get your fingers like totally dirty and greasy. They’re great.”

Spock was staring at him a little like he had turned into a bug. “You do not plan on eating those while handling the chess pieces, do you?”

Jim smiled. “Oh, totally. I’ll clean them off after.”

He went to the table and set down the cheese snacks and beer and then went to finish making Spock’s tea. And then he felt something in the front right pocket of his jeans. With a frown, Jim reached inside, only to find a folded up piece of paper.

_Jim,_

_CK here. You’re doing good with Spock. Keep it up. Listen. He’s going to have a tendency to withdraw and be conservative. Frankly there are times when you might be…don’t take this badly…too much for him. He’s used to order and logic. And he’s used to getting his way most of the time with it those days. He‘s rarely challenged. You need to challenge him. Be yourself, Jim. Be in his face and don’t let him go. I can’t explain it. But it’s important. Be his friend. He needs you._


	6. Nothing Goes as Planned

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With this chapter, I have begun marking the differences in the time periods to make it clear which Kirk we are dealing with and how things will start to change or not change

_Present_

There were things Jim once knew, or thought he had, or remembered he had, that he now did not. And he could not explain exactly what any of it meant.

As he sat at his desk in his quarters frowning at his terminal he knew there were bits of the life he’d known that were now missing. And though he tried to get them back, tried to reach into his memory, he came up short.

To say it was disquieting was an understatement.

“You know why that is, don’t you?”

Jim jumped slightly at the unexpected voice. Sitting on the edge of his desk was the being known as Q.

“The future is already changing. I meant the future of your young self, which is changing your past and present.”

“God, my head hurts.” He rubbed his temples.

“If you think too hard on it you’ll drive yourself mad, Captain. Better to just let it happen and go with the flow as they say.”

“I’m not just changing my life. Or even Spock’s. I’m changing other people, too.”

Q eyed him with no little amusement. “What did you expect? No one lives in a vacuum, Kirk. Your life alters the lives of others. It is the way it is for everyone. As you alter the life you’ve known, you alter other lives too. And yes, not just Spock’s.”

“It’s wrong, isn’t? They had no say, no idea I am changing their lives.”

“It’s quite the paradox you have on your hands,” Q admitted. “Do you wish to alter our agreement? Make it null and void? You can go back to the way it was before you started changing your past.”

Jim closed his eyes, feeling his body starting to ache with the stress of it. “Then Spock would be dead and stay dead, right?”

“Indeed,” Q said with far too much cheer.

Could he be so selfish to change everything just so Spock wouldn’t choose to die instead of be with Jim?

 “I didn’t say all changes would be bad,” Q said quietly. “Some changes may very well alter a life in a positive way.”

 “Yeah? Which ones?”

Q smirked. “I can’t tell you that.”

“Well, you certainly pick and choose what you can and cannot tell me with a lot of relish,” Jim said with a disgusted shake of his head.

“Perhaps. Your decision, Captain? Shall we go on or do you wish to end your efforts to save your great love?”

More than anything in the world, Jim wished he could ask Spock, _why_?

And the thing was, if he did continue, and saved Spock, and changed everything, he’d never get to ask that question. He would never know what caused Spock, _his Spock_ , the non-altered one, to choose to die rather that to admit Jim could save him. That more than anything haunted him.

And yet, if he changed things, he’d never know that it ever had.

“Let’s go on.”

****

_Past_

Spock did a double take when he noticed the soaking wet, slovenly man traipsing down the street in the pouring rain like he didn’t have a friend in the world. Which was certainly not true. Cadet Kirk—Jim—was very popular and well-liked.

He stopped his hover car next to Jim, who looking more than a little apprehensive, stopped abruptly in his tracks.

“It was not my intent to startle you,” Spock assured him. “Would you care for a ride?”

Jim glanced to the right and then the left. Almost like he thought Spock meant someone else and he was looking for them. “I’ll get your car wet.”

“Yes.”

Jim shrugged a little and then opened the door and got in. “Thanks.”

“Back to your dorm?”

Jim shook his head. “Not sure where I’m going, honestly.”

“Meaning?”

“Bones and I had a fight. I kind of left without my keycard.”

Spock eyed him as he pulled away from the curb. “In the pouring rain?”

“It wasn’t at the time.”

“Where were you walking to?”

“Nowhere. Just walking.”

“Illogical.”

Jim smiled a little, glanced out the window. “Yeah.”

“You will come with me to my apartment to get dry and have some tea.”

“Yeah? You got anything to eat with that tea?”

Spock found his lips twitching despite himself. “I am certain that I do.”

****

“I’m not sure it fits me very well.”

Spock turned from making tea on his stove to the sight of Jim standing just outside his kitchen wearing nothing but one of Spock’s robes that clung to him like, as they say, a second skin. It was open all the way down to Jim’s waist, too, exposing a great expanse of bare chest.

“You are correct, it does not,” Spock commented, turning back around and ignoring the sudden quickening of his pulse. “But it will have to do while your clothing dries in my dryer.”

“Nice place you got here. You live all alone?”

“Of course.”

“It must be nice not having to live on campus with a roomie.” Jim pulled up a stool that went to the breakfast bar of the kitchen and sat down right near Spock.

Spock resisted the urge to raise his eyebrow at Jim. “Vulcans value privacy.”

“Well, sure. Who doesn’t? I mean I’d rather have a room to myself too.” Jim began to play with the sash on his robe. Spock’s robe, technically. “That smells kind of good.”

“It is a blend made up of oranges, cinnamon, and cloves.”

“Sounds good to me. I love cloves.”

“You spoke of an altercation with Dr. McCoy.”

”Not a physical fight, if that’s what you mean. Well. Actually, maybe a teensy one.”

Now Spock did raise his eyebrow. “Explain.”

“I did put him in a headlock for about thirty seconds.”

“How is that not physical?”

“He didn’t fight back or anything and then I let him go. And we both sort of stood there huffing and puffing and blowing our house down.”

“What?”

“I mean we were just standing there all macho and angry, mostly.” Jim shrugged and reached for the Kreyla Spock had set out on a plate to go with their tea. He took a piece and began to eat it. “Good stuff.”

“Indeed,” Spock replied, unable to hide his amusement.

“Anyway, that’s when I left. And then it started raining cats and dogs. Now here I am. I figure I’m going to have to let him cool down for a while before I go back.”

“What did the argument involve?”

“Just dumb guy shit.” Jim stuffed the rest of the Kreyla he’d taken into his mouth and scooped up the tea Spock had placed in front of him.

“I was under the impression your friendship was not romantically based.”

Jim kind of scrunched his face. “Huh? Oh. Right. Yeah. Well.”

Spock frowned minutely. He was not sure he understood Jim’s response. “Then you are?”

Jim shrugged again and took a sip of his tea. “Mm. This really is good. As for Bones, well, he’s cute, isn’t he?”

“Is he?”

Jim laughed. “Oh, come on. Anyone can recognize when someone’s attractive.”

“Then you do have a romantic interest?” Spock queried.

“If the opportunity arrived, I wouldn’t say no.” Jim winked rather cheekily, Spock thought. Then he laughed again. He had a nice laugh. He’d heard them referred to as infectious. “Anyway, what do you care?”

Spock wondered the same thing, and yet he did.

Jim reached for another piece of Kreyla. “What’s for dinner?”

Spock blinked. “Then you are staying?”

Which was the absolute wrong thing to say. The smile slipped from Jim’s face abruptly and he put his half-eaten Kreyla back on the plate.

“Oh. Yeah. That was stupid.” Jim shook his head. “Let me just check to see if my clothes are dry.”

He slid off the stool and headed down the hallway.

“It is doubtful your clothes will be dry already, Jim.”

“I’ll wear them half-dry then,” Jim called back.

Humans were prickly creatures. Spock should know that and yet he continued to make mistakes with them. He walked down the hall to where his dryer was.

“You are not unwelcome. I merely asked.”

“No, I know. That’s okay. You were really nice to me and all, and I’m trying to take advantage of that to get you to feed me and stuff. It was stupid. Sorry about that.”

“Jim—” He watched as Jim took the still too wet clothes out of the dryer.

“I’ll just get out of your hair.”

“You are not in my hair and you are staying.” Spock removed the clothes from Jim’s grip and tossed them back into the dryer. “Do not make me insist.”

Jim sagged against the wall, folding his arms defensively in front of him. “I don’t want to be a pain.”

“You are not,” Spock told him. “In fact, if you need somewhere to stay for the night, you may stay here.”

“You got another room?”

“No, but I have a couch in the living room that will make into a bed.”

The smile was back. “That sounds great. Can we order a pizza?”

“No. I will make us something.”

“Okay, great.” Jim’s blue eyes were lit up so bright they were neon. “Thanks, Spock. You’re a good friend.”

“You are welcome, Jim.”


	7. Didn't I Tell You

Jim was just tying his sneakers when there was a sharp rap on the door of Spock’s apartment. He looked toward the short hallway where Spock’s bedroom was. The door was closed. Jim thought maybe the Vulcan was meditating. He sighed and finished his shoe. He didn’t really want to get involved with opening doors to Spock’s visitors. He couldn’t even begin to imagine what sort of visitors Spock got. No doubt those with computer brains like him. Which was probably unfair.

The knock sounded again, this time more insistent. Jim pretty much had to go anyway, so he guessed he’d let whoever in and then beat it.

He grabbed his coat and shrugged it on. When he opened the door Nyota Uhura was on the other side and she looked pissed.

“Who the hell are you?” she demanded, wasting no time to barge inside.

“Jim Kirk.”

“I know who you are.”

“Then why did you ask?”

“What are you doing here?” She folded her arms in front of her which struck Jim as unnecessarily aggressive.

“I gotta go.”

“You didn’t answer me.”

“That’s right. See I don’t answer to you.”

“Jim?” Spock emerging from his room.

“Ask your boyfriend,” Jim told her. “I’ve gotta go.”

“Nyota?”

“Bye.”

Jim noticed that she didn’t even wait until he made it to the elevator before she raised her voice. Typical.

As he got into the elevator he saw a text from Bones.

He responded back. “Meet you in the cafeteria.”

****

“Where were you last night?”

Jim stabbed at his eggs until the yolks appeared out of the whites and then he mixed it in his hash browns. “With Spock.”

“The professor?”

“You know any other Spocks?”

“So it’s like that, is it?” Bones smirked and placed his bacon on Jim’s plate.

“No, it’s not like that. Dude is straight. We’re just friends. And anyway, I’m not even sure if we’re that anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“His girlfriend arrived kicking and screaming first thing this morning. She wasn’t too happy to see me. I seem to have that effect on significant others.”

Bones slathered his biscuit with butter. “What effect?”

“Aren’t you supposed to be a doctor?”

“Moderation, my friend. So?”

“Whenever I get friendly with someone, their significant other asks them to stop seeing me.” Jim shrugged. “Weird.”

Bones pursed his lips and nodded. “I can see that.”

“Which part? The weird or why they would do it?”

“Why they would want to get rid of you. They see you as a threat. Let’s face it, Jim, you’re very attractive.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Not that again.”

“It’s true. Probably with some of them it’s a subconscious thing.”

“Since Spock has a girlfriend I’m pretty sure she knows he’s straight, Bones.”

“Maybe he’s not as straight as you think he is.” Bones shrugged. “Who knows? Don’t ask me to figure out the ways of the hobgoblins.”

Jim laughed. “The what now?”

“Hobgoblins. Look them up. See if they don’t bear a striking resemblance to Vulcans.”

“Okay, whatever. Anyway, I’m through moping around for Spock.”

Bones took a bite of his biscuit. “Is that what you’ve been doing?”

“I don’t know. Sort of. You know how it was. At first I thought maybe he liked me, but he didn’t.” Jim didn’t bother to add that he should have known that wasn’t true. Bones would only give him a lecture about self-esteem he really didn’t want. “And then I thought, well, we can be friends or whatever. But I think Uhura’s gonna put a stop to that PDQ.”

“You know what you need?”

“A good slow fuck,” Jim said with a grin. “You offering?”

Bones made a gagging sound. “That would be like doing my dog.”

Jim lowered his fork from his mouth. “Excuse me?”

“You know what I mean.”

“Uh. No. I think you just called me a damn dog.”

“I said like. You’re like a big old puppy dog, Jim. And you’re my best friend. See what I mean?”

“Not exactly,” Jim said with a grimace. “But I think I get the gist. You don’t want to be my pity fuck.”

“Watch your mouth. I’m no one’s pity fuck.”

“You’d be the one offering _me_ pity, Bones.”

“Oh.” He nodded. “Right. But no. How about we go out tonight?”

“Now you’re talking. There’s bound to be someone out there to get laid with.”

“As long as you have a goal, kid,” Bones said with a shake of his head. He eyed the folded up paper next to Jim’s plate. “What’s that?”

“What’s what?” Jim looked down, saw the paper. He frowned. God, not one of those weird letters again. This would make the...fourth one. He thought so anyway. He wasn’t in the mood for that crap. He shoved it into the pocket of his coat. “An assignment for a class. Which I have to get to. See you tonight.”

****

“No, Jim! No,” Bones said urgently. Or rather dramatically. Pretty much the same for Bones.

He laughed, his gaze never straying from the man at the bar. “Why not? He’s cute. And you said yourself that I am. I bet we’d be hot together.”

“Do you know what his reputation is?”

“I’m planning on fucking him, not marrying him.” Jim glanced back at Bones whose scowl was firmly aimed at Gary Mitchell. “What’s the deal?”

“I don’t like him. He’s sleazy. And you know he has a really high esper rating.”

“Whatever that means and however that’s supposed to apply to me having a one night stand with him.” Jim shrugged. “Sometimes you’re just odd, Bones.” Jim stood and squeezed Bones’ shoulder. “Don’t wait up.”

“I think I’m out of here anyway,” Bones muttered as Jim sidled over to the bar and Gary. “Jim, don’t forget your jacket’s here!”

Jim waved at Bones and smiled at Gary. “Well, hello.”

Gary smirked. “Cadet Kirk.” He turned fully to face Jim. “I noticed that dazzling smile of yours the minute I walked into this bar.”

“I haven’t taken my eyes off you,” Jim murmured.

“Want to get out of here?” Gary asked, seizing Jim’s arm and already pulling him toward the exit.

“Thought you’d never ask.” 


	8. I'm all Out of Hope

_Present_

 

“He didn’t read it,” Q announced, his voice heavy with derision.

Jim glared at him, trying not to show that Q had startled him suddenly appearing right behind him. “ _I know_.”

“Past you is just as much of a pain in the ass as present you.”

“I’ll write it again.” Jim frowned. “If I could just remember what it said.”

“Oh no.” Q folded his arms across his chest. “Not part of the deal. No extra letters. Not anymore.”

“But he left his jacket.” Jim shook his head. “I left my jacket.”

“Too bad, so sad. The next letter you send is your fifth letter. You'll only have seven left after that. You'd be wise to spread them out more."

"But that shouldn't count as the fourth letter if he didn't read it."

"You wrote it, it counts. Not my problem, Kirk. It's yours."

Q disappeared.

Jim rubbed his temples. He was really trying to remember why he should even care.

_Spock._

Spock was gone.

Jim stood up and left his quarters, going a short distance down the hallway to Spock’s quarters. Former. Spock had been dead for…he couldn’t quite remember. He slipped inside as soon as the door slid open.

They’d been left just as they were before Spock went off to die. Except it was colder than Spock ever kept it.

Hell, the chess set was still set up on the table they always played at. An unfinished game in progress. A game frozen in time. Never to be finished.

“Why?” Jim whispered, his hands curling into fists. “What was so wrong with me you’d rather die than be with me? Why?”

****

_Past_

 

Spock heard a low moan as he approached the walkway that led into his apartment building. He stopped in his tracks.

The apartment building was not far from the Starfleet Campus and cadets were known to sometimes use the left side of the building for illicit activities. Spock had caught cadets at it before and sent them on their way. He was uncertain if he felt like bothering tonight. His mind was disordered more than usual and he wanted to meditate.

He heard the moan again but this time it sounded more like a groan and not at all sexual but rather distressed.

Spock turned toward the sound. “Is anyone there?”

There was a sort of grunt and then a gasp, followed by a retching sound.

Spock hurried over to the side of the building.

Cadet Kirk was on his knees, his hands resting on the ground in front of him, losing the contents of his stomach.

“Cadet Kirk?”

He glanced at Spock, his eyes looking a little lost. “Professor.”

“You require assistance?”

Jim suddenly heaved and more contents exited his stomach. “Fuck.” He put his hand to his stomach. “Jesus. I hope that’s the end.”

“You ingested something that made you ill?”

“Yeah, you could say that.” Jim struggled to his feet and wiped his hands on the front of his jeans. He swayed on his feet a little.

“Do you need a hospital?”

Jim shook his head. “No. Just. I don’t know. A shower. Some real food. A place to sleep.“

“Are you still engaged in combat with Leonard McCoy?”

Jim stared at him. “Huh?”

“You indicated during our prior engagement that you could not return to your dorm due to a fight with the doctor.”

“Oh. No. I mean. We’re not arguing anymore.” Jim sagged against the building. “I don’t think I can walk that far.”

Spock did not want to take Jim into his apartment. Not again. But he saw little choice. He could hardly leave him here unattended in the state he was in.

“Very well. Come with me.”

“No thanks. I really don’t want to get involved with your girlfriend’s insane petty jealousy.”

“There is no need to concern yourself with that. And you are clearly not in any condition to refuse my assistance.”

“Wanna bet?”

“Vulcans do not engage in wagers. Come. As a professor at the Academy you attend as a cadet, I am afraid that I must insist,” Spock said coolly.

Jim continued to hesitate, but finally he nodded. “All right.”

Spock did not want to touch Jim because he was filthy with alley grime as well as evidence of his own stomach contents and he had a vague smell of sexual fluids. But Jim was unsteady on his feet and Spock was forced to support him with a hand on his arm.

“You were not a victim of an assault, were you?”

“Not exactly.”

Spock accessed the security door to the building and then gestured for Jim to step in first. He got them over to the lift and they rode it up to Spock’s floor.

“You claim no assault but you do look roughed up.”

“It was consensual. Mostly.”

Spock opened his door when they reached it. “Obviously your private life is your own affair, however, I cannot help but note that it may be wise to avoid this particular activity in the future.”

“Oh, trust, man. That is never happening again.” Jim started yanking off his shirt.

“It is cold out. You did not have a coat?”

“I left it at the bar. Was stupid too.” Jim shook his head as he pulled his soiled shirt off over his head. “If you ever run across a dude named Gary Mitchell? Avoid him.”

“He is the one responsible for your state?”

“No. I’m responsible. But yes, I was with him. Fucker.”

Spock noticed several large bruises covering Jim’s torso. “He beat you?”

“He’s in to it pretty rough.” Jim glanced toward the hallway. “Can I get that shower?”

“Yes, I will provide you with the same robe you wore the last time you were here.”

“I don’t want to cause any trouble,” Jim said doubtfully.    

“I believe that is true, but I also believe that it follows you everywhere.”

Jim grinned. “Kind of yeah. But you know, your girlfriend has you by the balls, so really—”

“She does not have me…by the balls…as you say.”

“No? Well. Seemed like it.” Jim grimaced.

“Are your injuries responsible for expelling your stomach contents?”

“No. That was the drugs and alcohol,” Jim admitted.

“I see,” Spock said stiffly.

“Look, I don’t really need a lecture. I know Gary Mitchell was a bad fucking idea. And it’s not going to happen again. Believe me. And I’m pretty sure Bones is already writing up the lecture he’s going to give me as we speak, so, could you, I don’t know, maybe cut me some slack?”

“Very well. I will leave the robe for you to dress in after your shower. Do you require assistance in the shower?”

Spock  was a little surprised when Jim blushed.

“Uh. No. Thanks.”

“I will have tea and toast waiting for you when you are finished. I suggest your stomach starts with that.”

Jim smiled. Even with the dirt all over his face and the weird smells coming off him, and Spock’s need to wash his hands after handling him, he could not deny that Jim had a most appealing smile. It was, as they say, infectious. If Spock were given to smiles.

“Thanks, Professor.”

“You are welcome, IllogicalJK.”


	9. When Times Get Rough You Can Fall Back On Us

_Present_  

There were times when Jim just didn’t want to try anymore.

He was seated on the floor of Spock’s quarters, knees pulled up to his chest, an ache in his chest that wouldn’t go away. Hadn’t gone away since Spock died. Maybe even before. At the moment, he couldn’t remember a time when he wasn’t walking around a mass of pain and broken dreams.

There was an old Earth saying. The silence is deafening. That’s how it felt now. He should be smelling that incense Spock used that made him sneeze. He should be wondering if he could ever beat Spock at chess.

But then…Spock wanted to die.

“Captain?”

If he didn’t answer maybe she would go away.

“Captain? Are you in here?”

He closed his eyes. “Yeah.”

Nyota.

She was kneeling next to him in an instant. He felt her hand on his arm. “What are you doing? You shouldn’t be in here.”

“It’s not like I’m disturbing his privacy.”

“That’s not what I mean. You get so sad.”

“Just…I think I’m going to give up.”

“What? Why?”

The panic in her voice made him open his eyes and look at her. “Am I doing this for me or for you?”

She shook her head. “For him.”

“He chose to die, Ny. Rather than be with me, he chose to die. That tells me all I need to know. Doesn’t it?”

“Jim,” she whispered. “Write the next letter. The fifth one.”

“Why should I? I’ve already ruined everything. My son—”

“Spock loved you. I know he did. Please Jim. Write the next letter.”

He leaned his head against his knees. “No. You write it.”

“Me?”

“Yeah. He didn’t even read the fourth one. Or I didn't. Whatever. You write it if you’re so concerned."

She pursed her lips. “Fine I will.”

Jim merely nodded and closed his eyes again.

****

_Past_

Jim woke to the sounds of hospital equipment.

What the fuck?

He glanced over to see he was hooked up to a heart monitor and an IV drip.

He began to panic and struggled to sit up. No. He couldn’t be here.

 _No_.

“No, please.”

“Easy. Jim, it is okay.”

A hand on his chest gently pushed him down. Spock’s face over him, concern in his dark eyes.

“What-why am I here?”

“You collapsed in the shower at my apartment,” Spock told him. “I had no choice but to have you brought here.”

“I don’t need to be here,” Jim insisted.

“The doctors in this hospital do not agree.”

“Jim, stop arguing,” Bones said, appearing at the foot of Jim’s bed. “Spock did the right thing.”

Jim glanced at Spock and then back to Bones. “There’s nothing wrong with me.”

“Bullshit. Besides the physical injuries—which we’ll get into in a bit—you had a bad reaction to whatever drugs he gave you.”

Jim winced. “Yeah. They made me throw up.”

“Your body’s way of expelling that crap.”

“He should be brought up on charges,” Spock spoke up from beside Jim.

“I told you, it was consensual.”

“Those injuries?” Bones gaped at him.

“Mostly, yes.” He shot another look at Spock. “Can we not do this? I don’t want to file any charges. He didn’t know the drugs would react like that.”

“You should not have been experimenting with illicit drugs in the first place,” Spock said primly.

Jim sighed and rubbed his eyes. “It was just some hallucinogenic to enhance our physical responses.”

“It was damn foolhardy with all your allergies,” Bones grumbled. He reached for Jim’s hand. “You’re going to be okay and we took care of most of your injuries but you’re staying overnight.”

“Bones—”

“No argument, Jim.” He squeezed Jim’s hand. “I’ll be right back. You,” he said to Spock, “keep an eye on him.”

“You don’t have to, Spock,” Jim said when Bones had left. “You can get out of here. I know I’m just a pest in your hair.”

“You are not,” Spock said softly. “And I will not leave. Can you tell me why you object to the hospital so strenuously?’

“It’s a long story.”

“We appear to have lots of time.”

“Hospitals and I have a long history of fucking me up. Let’s leave it at that.”

Spock stared at him, his eyes unreadable. “Very well. Can I ask that you do not see Mr. Mitchell again?”

Jim sighed. Swallowed. “I already said I wouldn’t. I meant it, okay?”

“All right.” Spock handed him an envelope. “This was dropped off for you along with a plant.”

Jim looked up from the envelope. “Where’s the plant?”

“It was taken by the nurse to be sure you would not have an allergic reaction per Dr. McCoy. Apparently you have issues.”

Jim laughed. “You have no idea.”

“I will fetch you tea.”

Jim smiled a little. “Thanks.”

He opened the envelope when Spock left the room expecting to see some ‘Get Well’ message. But it was something entirely different.

_Jim_

_Listen. You don’t really know me now. At this point. And what you do know of me isn’t very pleasant. And I can’t explain more than that. But please, don’t give up. Don’t give up on Spock. He needs you. So much. We all do. So, Don’t. Give. Up. Please. If you do…the consequences are beyond what you can imagine. I know you want to right now. I know. See that Vulcan? He cares about you. A lot. Trust me._

_LU_

“Lu?” That’s not who had been writing to him before.

“Jim?” Spock returned with his tea, an eyebrow raised. He handed the cup to Jim.

Jim smiled and folded up the letter. “Nothing. Hey, thanks for the tea. And for everything. I owe you.”

Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly. “I am glad you will be all right.”

“Will you sit with me?”

Spock sat on the edge of the bed, holding his own tea. “Of course. As I said, I am not leaving.”

“I’m not keeping you from…” Jim licked his lips. Spock had said not to concern himself with Uhura but he really didn’t want to cause too much strife for Spock.

“You are not keeping me from anything.”

Jim sipped his tea. “Can you smuggle me in some food? I never did get anything to eat.”

Spock arched a brow. “I believe the hospital is providing you with a tray. Dr. McCoy ordered it for you.”

“Hospital food? Ugh. I’d rather have a cheeseburger.”

“Creamed chicken over biscuit like things it is.” Bones appeared again carrying a tray which he placed in front of Jim.

Jim wrinkled his nose at the smell. “Orange Jello?”

“They were out of pudding.”

“Ice cream?” Jim asked hopefully.

“That too,” Bones said cheerfully.

Jim picked up his fork and attempted to cut into the biscuit like thing.


	10. Take Me Home Before the Storm

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter takes place entirely in the "past" time period.

Jim sat on the edge of the hospital bed as he buttoned up his shirt.

“Do you require assistance?”

Jim looked up to see Professor Spock standing nearby. It must be cold out for Spock was dressed in a thick pullover sweater in a shade of gray that was so dark it was nearly black. His slacks were of the same shade of gray. Apparently Spock liked monochromatic.

“Hey. I didn’t know you were coming this morning.”

Spock handed him a travel mug. “Your coffee.”

Jim smiled. “I think I’m in love.”

Spock arched a brow at that which Jim ignored as he lifted the coffee to his lips.

“Seriously, why are you here?”

“To escort you from the hospital, of course.” Spock handed Jim a paper bag.

Jim peered into the bag. “Oh, my God. Is that actually a Bavarian cream filled donut?”

“Indeed. I inquired of Dr. McCoy what you might wish to partake for your morning meal.”

Jim’s mouth dropped open. “Bones actually told you this?”

Spock nodded. “I believe the proper term is ‘he felt sorry for you’.”

“God, I don’t know which one of you I should marry.” Jim removed the donut and popped a large chunk into his mouth. “Scratch that,” he said, his mouth full of donut. “Has to be Bones.”

“And why is that?”

Jim held up his finger while he finished chewing. “Because, you know, you have a girlfriend. A scary ass girlfriend I might add. In fact, does she know you’re hanging out with me? Seducing me with donuts?”

“You need to raise your requirements if it only takes a donut to seduce you,” Spock replied. His hands were locked behind his back now as he gazed with rather false innocence at Jim.

Jim smirked. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“As to my girlfriend, I am not currently involved in a romantic relationship.”

“Really? Well, you were before.”

“Indeed. Circumstances change.”

Jim didn’t know what to do with that information so he took another bite of donut.

“If you have finished dressing, perhaps we can depart the hospital.”

“Sure, yeah. But where’s Bones? I figured he’d be the one to bust me out of this place.”

“There was a biology accident in one of the classrooms. Dr. McCoy is assisting patients with their injuries.”

“Oh.” Jim grimaced. “That majorly sucks.”

“Majorly,” Spock said dryly.

Jim peered at him. “You making fun of me, Professor?”

“Does that sound like something I would do?”

Jim shrugged. “Well, no. Not really.” He stood up and swayed a little. Spock grabbed his arm.

“Perhaps your dismissal from the hospital is premature.”

“I’m fine. Just a little lightheaded. And you didn’t need to come. I could have made my way home.”

“Doubtful. In any case, I am here now.” Spock continued holding onto Jim as they walked out of the hospital room. “I presume you have your instructions for your post hospital stay.”

“No instructions. Just don’t fuck around with Gary Mitchell again.”

“Excellent advice I would say.”

When they got out of the hospital, Jim looked up at the sky, noticing the clouds were coming in. They were thick and heavy, which likely meant rain later. The wind had picked up too and Jim could see why Spock wore a sweater.

“I should have brought a coat for you,” Spock murmured.

“It’s okay.”

He was brought to a hover car and after they were strapped in, Spock began to navigate through traffic.

“How long have you known Mitchell?” Spock asked after a few minutes.

Jim closed his eyes. “Not long.”

“Then why—”

“I like sex, Spock. And sometimes I like to be…” Jim licked his lips. “To be overcome.”

“Overcome?”

“Dominated. Controlled. Ordered around.”

Spock greeted that with silence and then, “You are in the command track, are you not?”

“Yeah. Totally different things. I hate authority. I want to be the one giving the commands. I don’t want to listen to some idiot telling me to do something I know isn’t right.”

Spock shook his head.

“Sex is different. And it’s not always like that, anyway. It’s just…it’s a need I sometimes have.”

“And it was something you needed the night with Mitchell?”

“Yeah. I was depressed. Feeling really down.”

“It helps with depression?”

Jim huffed out a breath. “I don’t know, Spock. I just wanted not to feel for a few hours.”

“Is not the point of sexual activity to have one’s senses stimulated?”

“God, you’re making my head hurt.”

“I apologize. You should rest,” Spock said quietly.

Jim nodded. Because at the moment, not talking about any of it, seemed a really good idea.

****

“This isn’t where I live,” Jim mumbled as he was gently laid down in a bed. A bed that was larger and way more comfortable than his own.

“Correct,” Spock said. “This is where I live.”

“Am I-am I in _your_ bed?”

“Indeed. I brought you here as I can keep an eye on you better here than at your dorm. You will rest in here while I grade papers.”

“I don’t need to be watched over,” Jim protested, but his heart was fluttering. He didn’t want it to. There was nothing worse than having false hope. And he’d had that once already with this Vulcan. To find out Spock wasn’t interested in him like that had hurt way more than it should. He didn’t want to feel that way again.

“You recently had a bad reaction to illicit narcotics in your system. I believe you require some supervision for the immediate future. While it was my opinion you should have been retained in the hospital, your doctor felt otherwise. Therefore, this is the next best thing.”

Jim scrunched up his face. “You know anyone named Lu?”

“I do not.”

“Yeah, me either.”

Spock’s hand touched Jim’s forehead.

“What are you doing?”

“Checking for a fever. You are speaking nonsense. I recall from my childhood that my mother would often put her hand to my forehead to see if I was unduly warm.”

“And am I?”

“Negative.” Spock’s hand moved off his face.

“Hey.”

“Yes, Jim?”

Jim frowned. “Aren’t you a touch telepath?”

“Affirmative.”

“Did you like read my mind just then or what?”

To Jim’s surprise, Spock looked amused.

“I did not ‘read your mind’, no.” Spock shook his head. “To get your thoughts I would have to either share a mind link with you like a bond or I would have to meld with you. Touching you this way—” Spock the palm of his hand on Jim’s forehead. ”All I would feel would be your surface emotions.”

Jim bit his lip. “Like what? What do you feel?”

“Anxiety, distrust.” Spock paused. “And also hope.”

Jim shoved Spock’s hand away. “Hope? You must be reading me wrong. Hope is for suckers.”

Spock angled his head in such a way that it seemed to Jim like Spock was looking at an animal in an exhibit. Trying to figure out what made Jim Kirk tick.

The thing was, Jim didn’t even know what that was.

Spock stood up from where he sat on the edge of the bed. “Sleep. I will let you know when it is time for lunch.”

“I don’t need a daddy,” Jim murmured, closing his eyes even so.


	11. Ever Changing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been close to two months since I've had an update on this one and I do apologize. I've fallen behind with the holidays and life. But since I made it my priority to get a chapter written on this, I went ahead and decided to get it posted right away.

“Don’t you think it’s weird?” Jim asked Bones as they took their cups of coffee over to a small bistro table outside the coffee place they’d gone to after classes the next day.

“What’s weird?”

“How nice Spock’s being to me. Let’s face it. No one’s ever that nice to me unless they want something out of me.” Jim plopped down on a chair. “Even Pike? He’s nice to me so he can turn me into this fantastic starship captain someday. I’ll be a feather in his cap, right? Like ‘I’m so awesome I can turn a fuck up like Jim Kirk into a success’.”

Bones rolled his eyes as he sat across from Jim. “”You make it sound like nobody likes you.”

“Nobody does.”

“I like you, genius.”

Jim smiled. “Better stop that, I’ll get all warm and fuzzy inside.”

“Heaven forbid.”

“Exactly.” Jim took a sip of his coffee. Winced when it burned his tongue. “You’re the exception not the rule. And I can guarantee Spock didn’t like me. Not at first, anyway.”

“Not true. When you were IllogicalJK playing chess online with him, he liked you,” Bones pointed out. “He even wanted to meet you.”

“I wish you wouldn’t bring _that_ up.”

Bones sighed and stirred sugar into his coffee. “I know. You thought he liked you liked you. The thing is, maybe he does.”

“Oh, sure.”

“Well, you said he was being nice to you and you wondered if he wanted something. Maybe he does. You’re super cute, after all.”

“I am super cute, but Spock had a girlfriend.”

“Your point?”

“There’s no indication he even likes males.”

“There’s no indication he doesn’t either. Look, he’s bound to be better for you to see than Gary Mitchell.”

Jim picked at the cinnamon roll they’d bought to share. “I wasn’t seeing Gary. It was just about down and dirty sex.”

“Yeah, well, down and dirty sex with the Vulcan will still be better than with Gary. I doubt he’d drug you, for one.”

“I would not.”

Jim’s knee banged the table and his coffee cup went careening off the table, spilling all over the ground. “Jesus!” Jim stood as the coffee splashed his leg on the way down.

Spock remained by their table, standing stiffly as though at attention, holding a cup that smelled like it contained pungent tea. “I apologize for startling you.”

Bones didn’t even seem fazed. “Did you get burnt?”

“Not really.” Jim dabbed at his wet thigh with a napkin.

“I would like to join you,” Spock said. He put his cup down on the table. He peered down at Jim’s cup on the ground. “I will secure you another. Just cream, correct?”

“Uh, yeah.”

Jim watched, a little dazed, as Spock went back inside coffee shop.

“That sort of confirms it, doesn’t it?” Bones smirked.

“Confirms what?”

“He wants in your pants, of course. Sit down. You’re making a spectacle of yourself.”

Jim glared at his friend, wiped the seat, and sat back down. “Damn it, Bones, he heard you.”

“Apparently.”

“And that doesn’t bother you?”

Bones shrugged. “Why should it? I am a little surprised Vulcans would stoop to eavesdropping.”

“That was not my intention. I was simply approaching intending to ask to join you.” Spock had reappeared again by their table as if by magic. If Jim didn’t know better, he’d think Spock had transported himself there.

Spock handed him a new cup of coffee. “Hopefully you can retain control of this one better.”

He pulled a chair from another table and sat before picking up his tea.

“How’d you know we were here?”

“I did not. I was here merely by coincidence and noticed the doctor. I surmised if he was here, you probably would be as well.”

“Well.” Jim licked his lips. He searched for a topic, any topic, which would not involve the down and dirty sex with Spock topic. Not that he didn’t want that or anything. “I’m going to take the Kobayashi Maru.”

Spock nodded. “A challenging test.”

“You’ve taken it?”

Spock arched a brow over his teacup. “I programmed it.”

Bones made a noise that sounded very much like he was stifling a laugh. Jim kicked him under the table. “Ouch.”

“Is there a problem, doctor?”

“Oh no. I like bruised shins.” Bones shook his head and stood.

“Wait, where are you going?”

“I actually have a date to get ready for, so I’m going to leave you two lovebirds to it.”

“We are not in fact birds,” Spock replied.

“No kidding.” Bones stomped off.

Jim cleared his throat. “He’s really a great guy.”

Spock did not reply to that and Jim wasn’t sure he blamed him.

“It is my understanding that you have already taken and failed the Kobayashi Maru test,” Spock said instead.

“Yeah. I sort of did.”

“You, in fact, did. Not sort of.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Well, yeah.”

“It is doubtful you will pass the second time.”

Jim narrowed his eyes. “Why is that, Professor?”

“As I said, it is challenging.”

“I’m smart.”

“You are indeed. Other than your interactions with paramours, that is. But nevertheless, the test takes more than mere brilliance to master.”

“Well. I guess we’ll see then, won’t we?” Jim toyed with the sleeve of his shirt. “And just so you know, I didn’t know you programmed the test, so I’m not pursuing you in order to pass.”

“I am aware that you did not know, but I can assure you if you were behaving in such a manner, you would fail.”

He had the urge to roll his eyes again but resisted. Barely.

“Are you?”

Jim frowned. “Am I what?”

“Pursuing me.”

“What? I just said I didn’t know about—”

“My query has nothing to do with the test. Are you pursuing me?”

Jim’s eyes widened. “I-uh-maybe?”

 

 _Present_  

“Finally!” Q slammed his fist on Jim’s desk. “Some progress! You two are extremely infuriating! Try to help someone and what thanks do you get?”

Jim stared at Q. Even as he watched the all-powerful being, his desk began to change, as did many of the furnishings in his quarters. “What’s happening?”

“You are changing the past, Kirk.”

Jim put his hand to his head. “I don’t-I don’t feel right.”

“As the past changes, so do you, Kirk. And those around you. You don’t have much time. Use it well.”


	12. A Symposium

__

Jim stared at the desk he sat at, trying to remember…something. Letters. He was supposed to be writing letters. But about what?

“To change the past.”

Jim looked around with a frown. “Who’s there?”

But there was no response and no one else in his quarters.

“Change the past? Why?”

“To ensure the present and the future,” that same voice said.

Jim picked up his writing instrument. “Letters. I don’t know how many are left.”

“That doesn’t matter. Just write one.”

All he felt was a sort of lightheaded confusion. “Why?”

“Spock.”

Jim rubbed the ache in his chest. “Spock.

 

_Past_

Jim looked up somewhat balefully when Spock walked up to him at a table in the cafeteria. He held two fingers out to Jim and for a moment Jim was going to refuse to meet them. He had to admit the whole Vulcan finger thing was kind of weird. But so far, since he and Spock had begun to sort of see each other, that’s all Spock had done. Touch Jim’s fingers. With a barely contained sigh, he met Spock’s fingers as Spock took the seat across from him.

“You are troubled, Jim.”

“You think?”

Spock inclined his head. “You are upset about failing the test again.”

“Brilliant deduction.” Jim pushed around the soggy bread on his plate. He’d got himself an open faced turkey sandwich that had been smothered in stuffing and gravy. “Sorry. I know I shouldn’t take it out on you.”

Spock lifted the cup of tea he’d brought with him to his lips. “Perhaps because I programmed the test you should.”

Jim nodded. “You have a point.”

Spock studied Jim. “You should eat. You are looking pale.”

“Having trouble sleeping,” Jim admitted. “More than usual, I should say.”

“You are an insomniac.”

“Yep. Most of the time I get enough sleep to get by, but lately…not so much.” He shrugged. He forked a bite of turkey.

“Perhaps then you will be open to my suggestion of an outing for us.”

Jim chewed slowly. Scrunched up his face. “Are you suggesting a date?”

“Affirmative,” Spock replied. “You may find the outing an odd choice.”

Jim smiled a little. “Well, I don’t know about that, Spock. I’ve come to expect just about anything from you.”

That earned him a quirked eyebrow that Jim sort of figured was his version of amusement.

“Shoot.”

“I would like us to attend a symposium on meditation.”

Jim stared at him blankly. “All right, then. That really is a new one.”

Spock pushed his plate at him, reminding Jim to eat.

Jim took another bite. “They actually have symposiums on that?”

“Indeed.”

“Hmm. Don’t Vulcans have meditation methods already?”

After all, the other day when Jim had gone to Spock’s apartment on a whim and without an invite, Spock had been meditating. He’d rather curtly advised Jim that unexpected intrusions were not welcome. Jim was so used to being unwelcome, he hadn’t taken particular offense to it. Though, he had made up his mind that any move between them from then on had to be from Spock. Perhaps unreasonable, but whatever.     

“We do. However, I am open to other methods and considering your seeming inability to relax, I thought it might appeal to you,” Spock explained.

Jim was pretty sure there was an insult in there. But, what the hell, a date with Spock, however unromantic it might be, was a date with Spock. “All right, sure. When is it?”

“This afternoon.”

He smiled. “Nothing like plenty of notice.”

“If you are otherwise engaged—”

Jim waved his fork. “No, no. I’ve got no other engagement. Lead on.”

****

“So, let me get this straight, you went to some boring ass thing on how to be even more boring ass for the afternoon?” Bones asked when Jim returned to their dorm early that evening.

“That about sums it up. It was, um, nice.”

“In a pig’s eye.”

Jim laughed as he plopped down on the couch with his paper bag. It contained the cheeseburger he’d picked up on his way home. “No, really, it was all right. I only nodded off three times.”

Bones handed Jim a napkin and bit into his own burger as he sat on the arm of the couch. “Oh, is that all?”

“On the plus side, Spock declared I could relax after all.”’

“Unbelievable. And he didn’t even want to take you to dinner after?”

Jim shrugged. “He had another engagement or something. I don’t know, Bones. It’s the weirdest relationship I’ve ever had.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Doesn’t he know he’s supposed to take you to dinner and the movies and, I don’t know, a gondola ride in the park, or something?”

“I’m thinking he doesn’t. Or maybe he does. I guess he probably took Uhura on dates. But I guess he’s treating me a little differently.”

Bones took several bites of his hamburger without further comment. Then he said, “Are you sure you’re actually dating and not just, um, I don’t know, meditation buddies?”

“Pretty sure. I mean when he was with her, she kissed him. The Human way, I mean. Which we’ve not done. But he does do that Vulcan finger kissing thing with me. A lot. So.” Jim shrugged again.

“And how long are _you_ going to be satisfied with that? I mean, you’re a pretty physical kind of guy, Jim. Holding hands and stroking fingers might be cute at first, but eventually, you’re going to want something more.”

“Mmm.”

“Think he’s homophobic?”

“Spock?”

Bones smirked. “Isn’t that who we are talking about?”

“Nah. I mean, why even bother with me at all if that were the case. But you might be on to something.”

“Oh?”

Jim stuffed the rest of his burger into his mouth. “Mwa lmm umm gga.”

“Without your mouth full, genius.”

He swallowed. “Sorry. I might be the first guy he’s been interested in. That could be why he’s taking it slow.”

“You still haven’t answered my question.” Bones swatted Jim’s head.

“I’m okay with it now, Bones.”

“Why don’t you initiate something?”

“No way.”

“Why not?” Bones frowned. “You’ve never been shy before.”

“And I’m not now. But when I tried to be spontaneous, he got really rigid and cold. I went to his apartment, right? I just was sort of in the area and I thought, hey, I wonder if Spock wants to hang out. So I went up to his apartment and knocked. He took a long time to answer and I was actually about to leave.”

“And then?” Bones prompted.

“He opened the door and was all weird. Said he’d been meditating, didn’t like to be interrupted and he would appreciate notice in the future if I was coming over.” Jim put his hand over his heart dramatically. “I was, of course, mortally wounded.”

But Bones didn’t smile at Jim’s bad attempt at humor. Instead he looked very serious as he took Jim’s trash from him. “Jim.”

“What?”

“I know how you are with rejection and—”

“Nah, it’s okay. I don’t think he meant anything by it really. I just caught him off guard. Lots of people don’t like unexpected visitors and he’s obviously one of them. So, I left.”

“Are you sure you aren’t taking it personally?”

Jim smiled and patted  Bones’ leg. “Of course not. But well, the point is, he wants to get any further than Vulcan kisses and symposiums on meditation, he’s going to have to let me know.”

Bones rose from the arm of the couch. “Ice cream?”

He brightened. “Thought you’d never ask!”  


	13. Where Does This Letter Go?

Present

_Letter._

Write a letter.

Jim picked up his pen, staring at the paper. It felt far too warm in his quarters. He wiped the sweat from his forehead.

His door pinged.

“Come in.”

Bones walked into his quarters. “Time for dinner.”

He nodded. “All right. I just have to write this letter.”

Bones frowned. “What letter?”

Jim glanced at his best friend and saw genuine confusion. For a moment the same confusion hit him, but then…this was important. “Have a seat. It’ll only take a minute.”

Bones sat in the chair across from the desk and leaned back. “I like what you’ve done to the place.”

“Hmm?” Jim glanced around. He tapped the pen against his bottom lip. There was a decoration on one wall he didn’t quite recognize. Then he shook his head. “Let me write this. Before I forget.”

_Hey Spock_

_I’m pretty sure this is a big violation of the rules, me writing you like this. And I wonder, really, if you will even get it. But it’s not like I’ve never broken a rule or two. We met that way, you and I. Or is it you and me? Anyway. The first time we met, I beat your test and you didn’t like that. You accused me of cheating. We stood up in front of the whole Academy while you tried to get me expelled or something._

_You brought up the death of my dad. How you knew to pick apart the one thing that would really hurt, I don’t know. But you did. I really didn’t like you then, but even when I didn’t, God, you were hot. Then we got called away when Vulcan was under attack. I picked you apart over your mom. I’ve apologized a lot about that but I’m still sorry. I wish I had known her._

_I don’t know now if any of that will happen for either of us at this point. This Q guy says I’m changing stuff and sometimes I can’t even remember what I’m doing, writing these letters. I’m supposed to write to someone else. That’s what I meant about breaking rules. But if you want to really change things, you have to go to the source, right?_

_Right now there’s this guy in the academy named Jim Kirk. I think you know him. Maybe pretty well at this point. The thing is, Spock, he really likes you. A lot. And trust me on this, he would do anything-anything for you. It may not seem like it now, but he would. Give up everything for you. His life. Even the lives of others. Batshit crazy, maybe. True nonetheless._

_I’ll let you in on one more secret, Spock. But then I better get this off. This Q freak could come rain on my parade at any time. Jim Kirk and Spock belong together in any universe. I’ve seen it. And Jim Kirk will always do anything to bring you back. Anything._

_Who am I? Well…_

_CK_

 

Past

 

“You are distancing yourself from me.”

Jim looked up from the book he was reading on the bench in the middle of the Academy campus. He shielded his eyes from the sun behind Spock.

“Am I?”

“Yes.” Spock sat on the bench directly next to Jim. “May I inquire as to why?”

Jim frowned. “Well, what makes you think I am? What’s your evidence?”

“In the last week since the symposium on meditation, I have only seen you twice, both times were instigated by myself.”

“How come you only chose to see me twice?” Jim asked him.

“I would have preferred more interaction but was not certain of my welcome.” Spock paused. “You did not care for the symposium.”

“Meditation isn’t really my thing.”

“I see.” Spock nodded. “You are concerned we do not have enough interests in common.”

“Am I?” Jim asked again. He smiled a little. “Honestly, you make a lot of assumptions about me.”

Spock stiffened visibly at that. “I apologize.”

“And now you’re getting all rigid again. I think we’re just really bad at communicating.”

“Perhaps.” Spock glanced at the book in Jim’s hands. “That book is Vulcan.”

“I know,” Jim replied, closing it. “I’m trying to learn it better.”

“Why?”

“Well. Because-because of you, of course.” And he felt his face heat.

But apparently it was the right thing to say because his brown eyes softened and his shoulders became decidedly less stiff.

“Spock, can I ask you something?”

“You are always welcome to ask me anything, Jim.”

“That day I came over when you flipped out—”

“I did not ‘flip out.’”

“You were very unhappy I just showed up,” Jim pointed out.

Spock was quiet for a moment. “Is that why you will not initiate any interaction between us?”

“Pretty much.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s and was happy when the Vulcan did not pull away. “Spock, I’m a spontaneous kind of guy. I can plan stuff too, sure, but sometimes I just think to myself, hey, what about this? And I do it. That’s how I live my life. I’ve lived with restrictions in the past on how I could behave and I have to say it really sucked.”

Spock nodded and looked away, but he kept his hands where they were with Jim covering them. “That day I had been having trouble with meditation. I’d had a disagreement with Nyota and—”

“An argument you mean.”

“A disagreement,” Spock insisted. “It was rather unpleasant and my mood deteriorated.”

“I thought you weren’t seeing her anymore.”

“I am not. But she remains an acquaintance  if not more a friend and she had come to discuss something with me that day.”

Jim licked his lips. “Let me guess. You were arguing about me.”

“She knew I was interested in pursuing a romantic relationship with you and she felt that I did not have all the information I needed.”

Jim snorted and moved his hands away. “Fuck me. She warned you off me.”

“Jim—”

“She did, didn’t she? And that’s why you didn’t want to see me that day? You actually listened to what she said about me. You believed it.”

“I was uncertain. She wished to tell me that immediately after you failed the Kobayashi Maru you had begun to speak about attempting it a third time. Her roommate, a female Orion named Gaila told Nyota that you had approached her about the programming for the test. Nyota assumed the implication was that you intended to be dishonest and that you were perhaps intending to use Gaila in your scheme.”

Jim’s jaw felt like it was made of stone.

“She also advised that it would look bad for me if you, as the man I am seeing, in some way tampered with the test I programmed. That it would negatively impact my career.”

“God, she’s a bitch.”

“Jim.”

“Goddamn it. And you listened to all that? And bought it? Hook line and sinker?”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “Negative. As I said, we were having a disagreement about the information she relayed. After she left, my mind was disordered.”

“Because you had doubts.”

Spock hesitated. “Yes. I was attempting meditation when you appeared.”

“I wouldn’t fuck with your career,” Jim said angrily. “Gaila is a classmate and I was aware she had some knowledge of the programming of the test as she had been assigned to implement some of the equations in it. I was asking her for any advice she might have. Which sure, maybe that was wrong, I don’t know. And I won’t deny I maybe had a moment or two of thinking about reprogramming the test to make it beatable.” Spock looked quite startled at his declaration. “But I hadn’t gotten anywhere close to doing any such thing. And as for the implication that I was going to, what, fuck Gaila, to _use_ her, while I am seeing you, I might add, it’s just beyond fucking ridiculous. I know what my reputation is. I’d have to be blind and deaf not to hear the things people like Uhura say about me. But that you’d listen to such crap—”

Jim had begun to rise, but Spock stopped him with a hand on his arm, and he gently but firmly pushed Jim back into a sitting position.

“As you said, we have a problem with communication. If you will recall, despite what Nyota said, I continued to see you, even invited you to the symposium.” Spock looked down at his hand on Jim’s arm. “I thought that even if half of what she said was true, I was far too invested in seeing where this went with you to pull back now.”

Jim’s throat constricted. “Spock.”

“I have never known anyone like you, Jim. I find you endlessly fascinating. And yet, I am filled with uncertainty as to how I should be around you. One false step and you—”

Jim leaned over and pressed his lips to Spock’s, kissing him softly and all too briefly, but it had the desired effect of stopping Spock’s words and causing a slight green flush to his cheeks.

Jim pulled back with a smile. “That’s the first time for that.”

“I am aware,” Spock said softly.

“So…if I want to stop by, unexpectedly, you’re okay with that?”

“Indeed.” Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s in his Vulcan kiss. “Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“Do you know who CK is?”


	14. I Saw You Last Night, You Held My Hand So Tight

“You think you can deceive me?”

Jim felt fingers tighten around his neck just before he was lifted out of his chair and held high above the floor. He looked down into the enraged face of Q.

“Sending a letter to Spock? How did you do it?”

“I—” Jim gasped out desperately but then the fingers tightened around his windpipe and he couldn’t speak.

“Rules are for me to break, you sniveling puny human. You will pay for that deception.” He flung Jim to the ground and Jim's body screamed with pain as he landed with a loud crack.

“You said you wanted us to be together. I thought—”

“Do not think, Kirk. Thinking is not good for you. I wanted you together because it amused me. It no longer does.”

“Please. I don’t want Spock to die.”

Q laughed. “Perhaps he will be spared and you will die this time, Kirk.”

He swallowed, tasting blood. He hurt everywhere, a burning horrible pain that made it hard to get a breath. “Okay,” he whispered. “Kill me. If it means Spock can live.”

“Is that what you really want, Kirk? To die in his place?”

Jim closed his eyes briefly. Then nodded. “Yes. Take me. Let Spock live, bring him back, and you can do anything you want to me. I don’t care.”

Q stared at him silently. “Do you want to know why Spock let himself die, Kirk?” Q suddenly crouched down next to Jim. “How it, all of it, was all your fault? Do you want to see?”

“Yes. Show me.”

And suddenly everything changed and he was no longer lying on the floor of his room writhing in pain, but was now standing in Spock’s quarters. Spock sat on the edge of the bed, clenching his fists.

“Spock.” Jim took a step forward but a hand shot out and stopped him with a hard touch to his chest.

“He doesn’t see you, Kirk. You aren’t really here,” Q said. “I am just showing you the past at this point. The past as you knew it before any changes.”

“Jim,” Spock whispered.

“Spock?” Jim spoke, ignoring Q’s words. “Spock, I’m here.” He broke free of Q’s hold and rushed to kneel at Spock’s feet. “I’m here. How can I help?”

“Must tell. Must.”

“Yes, Spock,” Jim urged. “Tell me. Tell me everything.”

“T’hy’la.”

Jim’s throat constricted as Spock stood up and tugged his uniform shirt down. He went to the door of his quarters to exit. Jim scrambled to his feet.

“Yes, Kirk, you should follow him. See where he goes.”

Spock started down the corridor and Jim followed close behind until they rounded a corner and Jim saw him. Himself. Jim Kirk leaned against the bulkhead, his hand on the wall next to the head of Areel Shaw, who had been on the ship being escorted to a space station where she would be prosecuting some engineer for assault.   

 

_“But Jim, are you sure?” Areel asked, breathlessly._

_Jim smiled at her. “Completely sure. I’m due some shore leave and I’ve already contacted Admiral Chang for the approval. I’m sure my first officer can handle command for a few days.”_

_Areel’s hand smoothed over his chest. “And so? What about those rumors?”_

_“Rumors?”_

_“That you have a thing for your first officer,” Areel said, lowering her voice. “That maybe you’re even in love with him.”_

_Jim laughed. “In love? With Spock? Don’t be daft. I don’t do love, Areel. You should remember that. I’m just out for some fun.”_

 

“No,” Jim whispered as he watched Spock watch the scene. He felt torn between vomiting and wanting to fucking bash his own head in. He put himself in front of Spock. “Spock, no. It was a lie. It was a lie. I do love you. So much. I loved you then.  I wanted you…so much. But I thought…Spock. Please. No. Areel was just a distraction and I—”

Spock’s expression was a mixture of desolation, heartbreak, and acceptance.

It was the acceptance that tore at Jim the most. Because he knew what Spock had accepted.

He turned crying eyes toward his past self still standing talking to Areel Shaw.  

“I hate you,” he said vehemently. “I fucking hate you so much. I hate you. I hate you.”

 

_Past_

“CK?” Jim asked Spock incredulously.

“I received a cryptic letter.”

“I’ve gotten letters, too. Oh my God. Who _is_ this guy? He keeps talking like he knows me or knows stuff and—“

Spock pulled a folded paper out of his pocket and thrust it into Jim’s hands.

 Jim read the letter. He read it again. And on the third time, his hands shook. Badly. Finally his gaze rose to Spock who was staring at him intently.

“Is it true?” Spock asked softly.

“Spock, I don’t know any of this. I—”

“About your feelings toward me.”

Jim crinkled the note. “I-yes. I’m kind of half crazy about you. But-but this. I don’t know who this is. Or why he keeps writing this stuff.”

Spock took the paper out of Jim’s hands and he smoothed it. “Jim. Look closely. The writing is…familiar. Is it not?”

Jim looked at the letter again, his brows furrowing. It did look familiar. Very. And he wondered why he hadn’t seen it before.

“I’m going to be sick,” he whispered.

“Jim, the letters are written by you.”

He licked his lips and nodded. “I-I don’t know how, but it-you must be right.” He stood up. “Am I crazy? Is that it? Have I lost my mind?”

Spock stood too. “I do not believe that either of us has lost our mental faculties. But I have no explanation for this letter, either.”

“That letter said you accused me of cheating. That’s about the Kobayashi Maru, isn’t it? And-and all the rest. What was that about your mom?” Jim dropped to his knees, breathing heavily, aware that those around them had begun to stare.

“Jim, perhaps we should make our way to my apartment,” Spock said softly.

He made himself nod but his mind was a confused jumble. And it had begun to hurt. Really bad. He tried to stand.

“Ahh.” He held his head. “Spock.”

“Jim?” Spock grabbed him.

His vision swam and Spock became blurry. He could see Spock speaking but he couldn’t hear him. There was blood on his fingers. His own.


	15. If Only We'd Met Before

_“Jim’s in a coma. When Spock died, the bond he had with Jim, well, it just snapped, and Jim’s mind couldn’t take it. It was too sudden, too painful. His brain hemorrhage—”_

_“God, both of them. How can I lose both of my best friends? What am I going to do without them?”_

_Dear Jim_

_Me again. I promise not to send you any more letters. Just this last one. But maybe, it’s the most important one. When the time comes, you have to trust in your love. You have to tell Spock you love him. No matter how hard it is. I know. You don’t even love yourself. In fact, you hate yourself. Believe me I know. And all that talk about how you can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself…not true. You love Spock. Always and forever. And not all Kirks and Spocks get a second chance. They don’t. But you do._

_Captain James T. Kirk._

 

His eyes blinked open and he stared at the ceiling of the medbay.

“Jim?”

He turned his head as Spock approached the biobed. Spock alive. Spock as he was before he died. Beautiful and logical in his science blues.

“Spock?”

Spock stared down at him, his arms by his side, rigid and straight. “Hello Jim. How do you feel?”

“Kind of…weird. My head—”

“That is your head injury. I will get Doctor McCoy.”

“Wait. What happened?”

“You were injured on the away mission, Captain. Let me get the doctor.”

Away mission.

Was none of this real? Did none of it happen?

“It happened.”

And Q appeared, standing next to Jim’s bed, looking down at him with an unexpectedly kind expression. It was a little freaky.

“Now you know the truth,” Q said softly.

“What truth?”

“You both died.” Q shook his head sadly. “The t’hy’la bond between you was too strong already and when Commander Spock chose to die on New Vulcan, he took you with him. You went into a coma and eventually lost all brain function.”

“The-the bleeding—”

“Yes.” Q nodded. “Everything since then was an illusion. Until it wasn’t.”

Jim scrunched up his face. “Huh?”

“I brought you back, Captain Kirk. I brought you both back.”

“You can do that?”

“Not…easily. There were complications. Past got mixed up with present. I couldn’t quite get it right. Until I did.”

“God my head hurts.”

Q smiled a little. “Don’t get used to this, Kirk. I seldom do things for the benefit of lowly species such as yourself. But…I like you. And I even like your Vulcan.”

“All that letter writing?”

“It was all part of the illusion in your head while I worked to bring you back. Spock was easier. Vulcans are surprisingly uncomplicated. You fought me quite a bit.”

“I remember being with Spock in the academy and my head started hurting and then I was bleeding. My head was. Right?”

Q nodded. “I found a way to bring you back to now. Finally. I didn’t need to alter the past anymore.”

“So…Spock’s mom and Vulcan are—”

“Still gone. Yes. Some things are not meant to be undone.”

Jim frowned. “You can be an asshole sometimes.”

He barked a laugh. “You have no idea. Would you like to see what happened?”

“Yes,” he whispered.

Once again he was viewing himself in the corridor with Areel Shaw.   

_“But Jim, are you sure?” Areel asked, breathlessly._

_Jim smiled at her. “Completely sure. I’m due some shore leave and I’ve already contacted Admiral Chang for the approval. I’m sure my first officer can handle command for a few days.”_

_Areel’s hand smoothed over his chest. “And so? What about those rumors?”_

_“Rumors?”_

_“That you have a thing for your first officer,” Areel said, lowering her voice. “That maybe you’re even in love with him.”_

_“I—” Jim stopped. Inhaled very slowly and then stepped back from her as he exhaled. “Yeah. They’re true. The rumors. I do love him.”_

_“Jim—”_

_“Someone once told me that when the time comes I have to trust in love.” He shook his head._

_“Who told you that?” Areel asked._

_“I don’t know. But I have to go. I can’t go on shore leave with you. I have to find Spock.”_

_Areel nodded and smiled. “Yes, I think you do. Good luck, Jim. I hope he feels the same.”_

_Jim squeezed her arm and then turned to run down the corridor. He stopped when he saw Spock standing there. Staring at Jim as though he just might need him as much as Jim needed him._

_“Spock?”_

_Spock took a step toward Jim._

_“Are you okay? You look a little feverish.”_

_“T’hy’la.”_

_“What is that?”_

_“You.” Spock seized Jim and pulled him to him._

_“You feel really hot,” Jim said breathlessly. “Do I need to get Bones?”_

_“It is not the doctor I need.”_

_“Just-just the same, maybe we should check with him.”_

_Spock shook his head. “I am in the first stages of Pon Farr.”_

_Jim’s eyes widened. “Oh…”_

_“You know of Pon Farr?”_

_“I do. Yeah. My meld with the ambassador—”_

_Spock growled. “You are mine.”_

_“Yeah. Um. Yeah.” He began to pet Spock’s arms. “Maybe it would be best to get out of the corridor and to your quarters? Okay?”_

_Spock’s vision cleared and he straightened. “Yes.” He nodded. “Yes, Captain. That would be for best.”_

_Spock practically dragged Jim to his quarters and as the door opened—_

Jim became aware of himself in the hospital bed again. Q still stood there.

“So…wait. I missed Pon Farr?” Jim asked, unable to keep the whine out of his voice.

“Technically you were there.”

“But I don’t remember it!”

“In another seven years, you will experience it again. You both will. Together.” Q arched a brow. “And that is my gift to you.”

A lump formed in Jim’s throat. “I really do owe you. You put me through hell but-but Spock’s here and-and so am I.”

“Goodbye, Captain Kirk. You will not see me again.”

And Q was gone.

Suddenly Bones and Spock came into the area with his bed and Jim thought maybe seeing them both was like the best thing ever. Ever.

“Hi.”

Bones put his hand on Jim’s head. He was petting Jim. “You scared the crap out of us, you idiot.”

“I’m sorry,” he whispered, unable to even form a joke. Bones and Spock didn’t seem to remember anything. But Jim did. And he knew how really fucking lucky he really was.

Bones’ eyes softened. “Fortunately, you have a really hard head.”

“Spock?”

Spock pushed Bones aside, who squealed in protest, and he took Jim’s offered hand. “Yes, ashaya?”

“I love you. So damn much.”

“Oh, God, not the mushy stuff.”

“Be quiet, Bones,” Jim admonished. “And I swear I’m going to tell you every damn day, all day long, for the rest of our lives.”

Spock’s lips quirked. “That will not be quite necessary, Jim. Once a day will suffice.”

Jim smiled. “Okay. And you have to say it once a day too.”

“As you wish.”

“And Bones?”

Bones sighed. “Yes, Jim?”

“I love you, too. You know. In a brotherly platonic kind of way.”

“You don’t even have to tell me that once a day, Jim,” Bones replied, but he was smiling. He went up and down on his toes. “Head injuries. I’ll be right back.”

Jim’s gaze returned to Spock. “We-we’re bonded right?”

Spock frowned slightly. “Yes, Jim.”

Jim let out a relieved breath. “Good.”

“If you need the doctor— _”_

“No,” he said quickly. He licked his dry lips. “I wish…”

“What, t’hy’la?”

“I wish that we’d met when I was young. Like in the academy.”

“We did meet. Remember the hearing over your— _”_

Jim chuckled softly, squeezing Spock’s hand. “No, I know. I meant, I wish you’d known me when I was young.  Like before all that. Just when I first got to the Academy. So that you could have taken me to meet your mom and I would have known her.”

Spock’s eyes were so gentle and affectionate as he leaned down to kiss Jim’s forehead. “That would have been pleasant indeed.”

“Yeah,” Jim whispered. “We would have been good together then, I think.”

“James.”

“Yeah?”

“We are perfect together now.” Spock kissed his lips. “Rest, my illogical JK.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is. The conclusion of this one. I knew at this point how I wanted it to end and so rather than wait another month to update it, I wrote it and posted it. It is, perhaps, not quite what Kukia had in mind when she asked me to take it on, but I hope she understands that I had to put my own interpretation into it. This chapter is a little mystical perhaps but I am happy with the ending. Enjoy
> 
> PS. You will likely note that I didn't end up writing any sex for this one, so I have removed the sexual content tag for it, but due to mature themes, I am keeping it under the "mature" category.


End file.
